Fitness Tutorial
If you are thinking of breaking down and joining a workout facility, you are not alone. Here in America we pride ourselves on being Fat, Lazy, and Impotent assholes.
But occasionally someone will forget about their niche and give in to queer, er.. I mean... peer pressure and join a gym. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
The sad thing is that the people who frequent the gym do not need to be in there. And the people that don't go ever really, really need to start. I am tired of
walking around anywhere and having strange urges to pet the animals. Or worse yet, to feed them, because it can be plainly seen that
they could stand not to be fed for the rest of their 2 week life span.
I digress. If you are thinking of joining a gym, you are not alone. I have prepared a list of common gym etiquette for the average ex-jock ex-cheerleader
mid-life crisis asshole:
1. Be sure to park as close as possible to the entrance, because walking burns cals, and it wastes valuable workout time.
2. When you lift weights, make loud grunting and "hoo-ahh" sounds with every rep, no matter
how light the weights are that you're lifting. Most people neglect to do this. Even when lifting the lightest of weights an audible moan or grunt should be made.
Not only to inform everyone around you that you are participating in a workout when in the *gasp* gym.
These sounds are used to call out to possible mating partners that will make the
same sounds because, they too, are in heat and are prepared for anal intercourse with you.
3. Buy the 2-year all-club subscription with your parent's/husbands allowance money, then only show up for one month.
By doing this you affirm that you are in fact a spoiled bitch who has had everything given to you.
And that, according to the news and south park, is what we should all be striving for.
4. Walk around naked in the locker room. Have naked and extended conversations with other men in the locker room. Stare at and
occasionally touch the other naked man
innapropriately to prove that you are not homophobic.
5. Sign up for a personal trainer. You need to have attention poured all over your fat pig ass constantly, or you will not be happy.
Plus, it takes a mastermind with years of experience to be able to properly lift hunky pieces of metal, and your learning curve
is only half as malformed as your disgusting fupa you stupid bitch, so you better get a trainer.
6. Check yourself out in the mirror. When staring in the mirror and flexing say stuff like:
"ridiculous..... absolutely ridiculous"
7. Ask friends constantly "do I look better?" and "can you tell?". This is most important after the first time you go.
As if 10 minutes on the fat blaster one time with no incline could do anything to counterract the abhorrent amount of energy stored in your kankle alone.
8.Use weight clamps on everything you touch, because if you dropped that 5 pounder you could really hurt someone.
It is hard to follow all these rules. It takes years of expertise to get all of them perfect.
Just remember that the workout itself is pointless, and you need to focus on the etiquette. And learn to walk before you run, or else you will fall. retard.
© stasis June 17th, 2008
stasis@stasisrant.com
back to your house because thats where fat lazy fupa pig Americans run from a challenge